Snark Weighs In

Top Ten Things I Learned While Reading Branco

posted Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Top Ten Things I Learned While Reading Nelson Branco's New Column 

Portions in italics come from Nelson Branco's newest column.

  • 1. The mere sight of Ron Carlivati's name causes amnesia.

Four simple yet powerful words effortlessly erased the past three hellish months from my memory: "Written by Ron Carlivati."

  • 2. Screenshots make good art.

(Still talking about the magic of seeing Ron's name): I'm going to ask Lauri Hogan, One Life to Live's charming publicist for a screen grab of that iconic still so I can frame and hang it in my office full of my favourite art, books, and TV and film memorabilia.

  • 3. Daytime goes better with wine.

On the night of May 5th, I gathered a couple of my friends, some who've never watched OLTL until I forced the soap snobs to watch Carlivati's Llanview, over a delicious bottle of wine (okay, a handful) to watch his May 2nd debut along with that day's episode (‘cause one eppy would not be enough for us who were jonesing for a hit of magic after enduring the past few arduous months).

  • 4. Move over, messiah - there's a new sheriff in town.

Within the first four minutes of his return, characters woke up, grew back their hearts, souls, and most importantly, their brains. It was akin to a resurrection - and it wasn't even Sunday.

(Sure, Jesus resurrected Himself and that Lazarus dude, but, Ron brought back a whole town, complete with new body parts.  I'd say that puts Ron ahead, at least until the rapture.)

  • 5. Who needs porno when you have OLTL?

My friends and I gasped for air when we realized we'd purposely forgotten how orgasmic his writing is as a strategy to survive the writers' strike.

  • 6. Nelson may be a witch.

Another reason Mr. C's absence was heartbreaking was because Carlivati had just begun penning his magic for a mere six months before we were reminded how soulless this soap used to be. It was surreal to watch because I questioned whether or not I actually conjured up Mr. C!

  • 7. Nelson is on parole.

OK, my parole officer isn't going to like this one bit, but I'm currently plotting to fly down to New York City and kidnap Tuc Watkins (David).

(Okay, so we already knew this one.)

  • 8. The highest compliment you can pay to young actors is to compare them to Megan Mullally and Sean Hayes. Also, character and actor names are interchangeable.

Jason Tam and Brittany Underwood: OLTL's Jack and Karen
Brandon Buddy (Cole) and Kristen Alderson (Starr) are the Will and Grace to the increasingly fascinating Jason Tam (Marco) and Brittany Underwood's (Langston) Jack and Karen. When Todd tried to "kill" Marco and Langston, Tam and Langston proved once again they are the most promising young couple to watch on all of daytime.

  • 9. Strasser and McKinsey: Overlords of Time and Space

Now that Beverlee McKinsey (ex-Iris, Another World; ex-Alex, Guiding Light) is entertaining God and co. with her theatrics, Strasser has inherited her former AW nemesis' throne.

(This is fascinating, since Strasser left her role as AW's Rachel for the second and final time in the summer of 1972, several months before McKinsey began playing Iris.  McKinsey did appear on AW earlier in the year as Steve's sister, Emma--for a whopping three episodes.   Hardly enough time to build a rivalry--in fact, I'm not sure they even shared scenes together.  Apparently, Strasser and McKinsey are not only among the finest actresses ever to grace daytime, they are also powerful enough to violate the space-time continuum.

By the way, the above information was gleamed from the book, "Eight Years in Another World," written by Harding LeMay, the celebrated author who helmed Another World from 1971-1979.  During his tenure, LeMay was able to move AW up in the ratings by entire points-not one-tenth of a point in a certain demographic, but entire points.  However, while LeMay received many accoldates and superlatives for his work, "orgasmic" wasn't one of them.  Also, LeMay never titled his episodes.  So what the heck does he know?)

  • 10. Nelson Branco is not an actual columnist, but an elaborate parody.  Therefore, he will hereby be referred to on this blog as "The Elaborate Parody Known as Nelson Branco."

....

(What, you need an example for this one?)


For a positive, non-deranged view of Carlivati's Llanview, try Soaps by Remote.

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1. Khan left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 3:47 pm

I'm all for praising quality work, but Branco is so over-the-top with his Carlivati love that it's almost turning me off to OLTL.


2. Snark left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 5:14 pm

And that, I think, is the danger. I don't think readers mind when critics show praise or enthusaism or even engage in a bit of hyperbole. But they probably draw the line at stalker.


3. Chris left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 5:49 pm

He clearly lacks objectivity. His initial assessment of Carlivati's OLTL was too much. In the first four minutes, he talked about as if it were the Citizen Kane of daytime. I agree the show is better with him Carlivati writing it, but the pedestal he is putting it on is skewed at best. Its a good show but its not Doug Marlands, As The World Turns or Claire Labines GH. He's made several comparisons. I just don't see it.

I don't think the key to attracting new viewers is to build something up so much that it produces the opposite reaction.


4. Khan left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 6:00 pm

And if they don't draw the line here, they definitely will when Branco tells everyone how he surprised Ron in the shower.


5. GuillermoIbarra left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 6:34 pm

Nelson Branco is a vile starf--ker. He's never heard a name he didn't want to drop.

His "personal" comments about Beverlee McKinsey were so tasteless I wanted to vomit. As per usual, he managed to make every moment All About Nelson.

But hey, he's the Guza of all the columnists. Who cares if what he writes is, y'know, GOOD, or if it has any value to it? He has people talking, so it must be a success.


6. Snark left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 7:05 pm

"His "personal" comments about Beverlee McKinsey were so tasteless I wanted to vomit."

Hadn't read that until just now. WOW. That made Daniel Coleridge using Darlene Conley's death to sell his book look like the epitome of restraint. I am increasingly convinced that he does not exist, and is a parody of soap journalists being written by a team of comedy scribes.


7. Alex left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 7:19 pm

I think that at this point, one of the selling points of Branco's column is his reverence for Carlivati. I am by no means defending the man, but his aim is to sell a column and this level of frightening hyperbole is almost impossible not to read and gawk at. To that extent I think it's successful.

That said, what bothers me most about his comments is that it makes me wonder if I should be embarrassed to be a fan of Carlivati's OLTL - and I am not. I do happen to like the show; I do think RC was doing a fine job before the strike derailed the show, and I do think it's already much better than it was two weeks ago; but I also think it's still finding its sea legs. Branco's blind devotion to the show does it no favors. Some evenhanded, constructive criticism, similar to that of Zara's on Soaps By Remote, is much more welcome, at least in my book.


8. Khan left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 9:29 pm

Can you link to Maggie Cochran's, I mean, Nelson Branco's comments about Bev's passing, Snark?


9. Snark left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 9:32 pm

http://tvguide.sympatico.msn.ca/The+Suds+Report+May+9+2008/Soaps/Suds/Artic les/080509_news_nelson.htm?isfa=1


10. Khan left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 10:30 pm

Thanks, Snark -- oh, and next time I ask for a link to one of that vile man's columns, pretend I didn't. Okay?


11. GuillermoIbarra left...
Tuesday, 13 May 2008 10:36 pm

Proceed with caution.....Nelson's readers already know from his prior column(s) that anyone who dares to contradict him, he'll completely and utterly trash you in print. (I'm still astonished at how hateful he was when he tore Marlena to shreds in print.) Professionalism be damned, as long he has the last word - or has people talking.


12. DS0816 left...
Wednesday, 14 May 2008 1:32 am

GuillermoIbarra,

Are you referring to the following .…?

earlier work was especially meaningful to me and my best friend, Alexander Chapman, who is a Genie-nominated actor (Canada’s Oscars) for his stellar work in "Lilies." We nicknamed each other after Iris Bancroft (me, natch) and Rachel Cory (him) for almost a decade. We took such glee and joy from playing out various scenes from "Another World’s" greatest feud in private and in public, with very hilarious results. Ironically, we acted out one of their epic battles the night before McKinsey died. Eerily, we hammed it up as only Iris and Rachel could, as they fought for “Daddy’s” love and attention without knowing the icon’s magic would leave this increasingly ugly world of ours. Despite her death, you can be assured it won’t be our last homage to some of the greatest acting to ever be filmed in TV history. I’ve sent NATAS a letter of request that requests a posthumous Emmy Award, along with a tribute to be awarded to McKinsey. This is akin to Bette Davis dying, and people are truly in mourning. Let’s see if they listen. I’m sure McKinsey is somewhere up in the heavens smirking down on all of his, martini in hand, knowing her death came just a few days after the worst Emmy nominations in its history were announced. Still fierce in death, gotta love Bev!


13. Snark left...
Wednesday, 14 May 2008 9:10 am

I actually thought the preceding paragraph was even worse. "Why, I couldn't believe that I was devastated by Beverlee McKinsey's death. Her death affected me as much as Heath Ledger's!" Apparently, all daytime deaths will now be measured on the Heath Ledger-Bette Davis scale.


14. DS0816 left...
Wednesday, 14 May 2008 10:51 am

If we're to cotton to some sort of celebrity death devastations—like a presumptious requirement these days that all politicians must acknowledge personally practicing a given religion—okay, Snark and company, here goes....

I'm devastated by Heath Ledger's death.… I'm devastated by Suzanne Pleshette's death.… I'm devastated by Brad Renfro's death.… I'm devastated by Lois Nettleton's death.… I'm devastated by Paul Davis's death.… And, now, I'm devastated by Beverlee McKinsey's death.

In all seriousness, I appreciate these performers—the daytime soaps lost three actresses in as many months (Shell Kepler in February, Nicolette Goulet in April)—and am sorry they're no longer alive. And, naturally, hopefully their surviving loved ones are coping as best as can be expected. But to take it as an opportunity to boast of what a "fan" I am/was, and to bellow how I'm so-ooo "devastated"—as if I was deeply affected "personally"—would be shallow and inappropriate.


15. GuillermoIbarra left...
Wednesday, 14 May 2008 2:35 pm

DS0816, yes, that was exactly what I was talking about.

I don't want to diminish anyone's reaction to the death of someone we all loved - grief is a personal thing and it comes in many forms. But personally, I found several parts of that passage to be inappropriate.